Healing: One of those moments

Hi friends, It has been a minute. Almost four years, actually. While I am a bit sad that it has taken me so long to start blogging again. I am glad 2024 is having me do all the things I have set my mind to do. Thank you LORD.

So recently I had one of "those moments". You know those moments that just take away all the progress you think you have made, and the setback presents itself as painful as thousand needles.

Trust me, I am grateful to God. Grateful for saving me from all those near death experiences, taking me out of that life frightening place and gracing me yet with another day to live. I am grateful, I really am. However the life I have suffered to live thereafter sometimes feels like it hasn't found a way to weave back the torn fabrics of my heart.

One day I am the strongest woman I know, full of life and totally confident in who and what he says I am. Next, I am weak, doubtful, with no self esteem whatsoever and re-living the past as if it was just yesterday. Tears roll down my eyes showering my whole face and tightly hugged knees. My heart beats so fast and hard, I can swear it feels like it's about to jump out of my chest. Their voices are ringing in my head in the highest volume. I can still smell their scent filled with alcohol and smoked glue as their lips and tongue intertwine with mine. When these moments occur, my body shuts off as if they are still pressing me down on that bushy stony ground. I can hear my cracking, crying words fade into the background begging for them to stop as they humped forcefully and continuously on top of me.

I remember telling one of them that I have nothing on me, he can stop searching. His response "Oh please, we both know that this is what you wanted anyway. Otherwise why would you be travelling with a guy, let alone at night. Who are you two fooling carrying Bibles and all". (If you don't know my story, ten years ago I was gang raped when a friend and I were on our way to an All Night Prayer at our local church). It didn't help my plea case when I tried to argue these assumptions because the next thing I know, my face is covered with my blanket almost suffocating the life out of me. And this is just ONE of the "today might be my last day on earth experiences."

These moments are so hard to bear, it feels so impossible to endure sometimes. Even worse when you feel like this experience led you to live a life that haunts you today. More so if you were a victim of life threatening criminal activity not once, nor twice but thrice. I feel so much of the pain from the different experiences that when it hits, I don't even know which of the three is hurting more. And if I am supposed to heal, which of the three should I prioritize healing from? How do I heal from one at a time? When I work my way through the other what do I do with the other? I don't know. All I know is that some days are really good, I am not bothered. I even forget I once almost died on three separate accounts. While other days I can barely breathe without grabbing a plastic bag to force the air into my lungs because it feels as though we are in that dark place again. And I happened to have one of those days recently. 

If you are also hurting reading this, I just want to say it's alright. Your pain is valid. It doesn't matter what you have had to deal with. It could be anything from a loss of a friendship/business, a heartbreak, abuse to death. Healing is not linear. There are moments to it, and some are harder to handle than others. I assure you, as one who has had more of these sour moments than it should normally occur (I would like to think), the God who carried you out of the life threatening/unsettling experience will carry you through to your healing place.

It's not easy, in fact its terrifying and super lonely. However it is possible. Take each day as a win. You may lose some battles from time to time, but the victory of the war is given unto you. If there is anything God will not deny you and I is healing. David says in Palms 30:3, "Lord my God, I called to You for help, and You healed me." Do not hesitate to cry out to the Lord like Jeremiah, "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed: save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise" (17:4). God assures us again through Jeremiah 30:17, "For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds"

It is my prayer for you and I that even though we may find ourselves from time to time as we pursue healing, we may know that even though “My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalms 23:26) because (Psalms 41:2-3) “The LORD protects them and keeps them alive. He gives them prosperity in the land and rescues them from their enemies. The LORD nurses them when they are sick and restores them to health.” Amidst life's disheartening moments that some maybe self-caused, God tells us that nevertheless, he will bring health and healing to us; He will heal his people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security (Jeremiah 33:6).

Healing is a gift from God, and it doesn't matter whether the pain is physical or emotional, inflicted upon us or self-inflicted, if it is healing that we truly need. He will not withhold it.

“I have seen their ways, and I will heal them; I will lead them and give comfort to them and to those who mourn for them — I will create the right words: ‘Shalom shalom to those far off and to those nearby!’ says Adonai; ‘I will heal them!” Isaiah 57:18-19

May God heal and bless your heart.